"Dear Michelle and Mary,
You are very out of shape, and it is gross. You will run (even though running totally SUCKS) every night.* On the weekends, you shall take a break from running (if wanted) and go on BIKE RIDING adventures! How exciting! Think of it this way, girls: YOU ARE FAT. And if you run one mile, very somewhat slowly, it will only take 15 minutes. If you run around the campus, you can have girl-talk on the walk back to the dorms. ‘Cause I mean, seriously. Are you really going to miss the 15 best minutes of studying because you’re running? No, I don’t think so. You will be smart AND sexy with this new plan.
Mary: Even if you just got back from the optimist and it is like 11 p.m., and you are dead tired, remember the feeling you get when you go shopping and EVERYTHING looks good. Remember the feeling, grasp it tight! It is IMPORTANTE! I know you always say that when you get engaged you’ll get in shape for your wedding. But, that might end up like all your other failed attempts to get in shape, and you will be fat and miserable on your wedding day. And remember your tattoos that you want on your stomach and arms! THOSE DON’T LOOK GOOD WHEN YOUR FAT! YOU HAVE GAINED 20 POUNDS IN THE PAST YEAR! THAT IS NOT NORMAL! If you gain the freshman 15, you’ll have gained 35 pounds in a YEAR! Oh, my, God, Mary!
Michelle: Remember that when Mary is, well, lets face it, bitching at you (“YAY WE USED A NAUGHTY WORD!”), that what she really does love you, she just knows what it feels like to be fat. And she doesn’t want you going through that pain alone. It’s all love, Michelle. All bitchin’ love. And don’t give Mary that “I’m tired “crap! Runing makes you more awake anyway, and you’ll sleep better tonight. If you are CLEANING, or ORGANIZING, it can WAIT! You want to be confident, do you not? Yes you do! Confidence+sexiness+organization+potential sleep+smartness= Michelle after letting Mary kick her ASS (“YAY WE USED ANOTHER NAUGHTY WORD!”).
*HOWEVER, if we are (ehem) cramping, we will go on long bike ride. Because let’s face it. Running with (ehem) cramps is just wrong.
Mary, you’re goal is to look similar to what you looked like in volleyball. Michelle, your goal is to look like what you looked like in basketball. YOU CAN DO THIS!
Signed, Mary Garvin & Michelle Luke.