"You know what's funny? The Whataburger dude sounds like a drunk. You know why I think he's a drunk?" Chris the Comedian said. "'Cause Mr. Whataburger is probably married to Miss Wandawhatawhore."
My defensive driving class consisted of twenty four people. Among them was one homeless girl, an abundance of hippies, and a pre-school school teacher who talked endlessly about her daughter, who's going to college in Spain. Which apparently is a very, very good thing.
"My daughter quit school for a little while, but she's finally back in school," the Pre-School Teacher said in her soft, old lady voice during a ten minute break. She sounded like (for lack of a better comparison) a Christian Conservative who's Liberal hippie daughter finally "saw the light" and became a conservative, thus meaning she was no longer destined for hell. But in a nicer way. "I'm just so proud of her."
I began to love The Pre-School Teacher, even if she constantly distracted me. She did not, by the way, need to be rambling about her daughter to be distracting. Oh, no. The Pre-School Teacher had enormously long toenails which protruded from her leather sandals in a very imposing way. I suppose she could have clipped them, but then what would she have to prove that she was from Austin? I concluded that is was for this very reason she neglected to clip her long, hippie toenails. They were proof of her hippie-hood, which is very, very important. To even further prove her hippie status, she kept dried fruit and brown rice in tiny plastic containers kept in her tiny, light brown leather purse. I love hippies.
The Homeless Girl wore all black, and had short cropped hair hidden beneath her black beanie, which failed to hide her Helix Piercing. She informed us all rom the very beginning that she recently lost her job and got kicked out of he house, and was now living in a shelter relying on food stamps. We never did find out why she was in the class, but we did know that much. She laughed and smiled and had a sarcastic joy about her misery, and her presence made me happy. She was going to join the Navy, and had lost 50 pounds all by herself. Now, her recruiter had given her a special diet and workout plan to follow to lose 15 more, which Chris the Comedian, of course, read aloud to all of us. I failed to write it all down, so just know it was absurd, and stressed how The Homeless Girl "MUST SWEAT!"
The Homeless Girl and The Pre-School Teacher brought tough competition for who had the oddest life, but I still think Chris the Comedian won. He once lived in an apartment on the edge of the ghetto, beside a midget who wanted to be a vampire, and above two gay men who knew a lot about fabrics. The ceilings were so thin in that place that he could hear the guy above him "taking a leak." Nice.
Chris the Comedian once worked as a shoe salesman in Dillards, which he know says was the absolute worst job of his life. One day, in between helping old ladies cram shoes around their bunions and callouses, disaster struck at Dillards with a vicious Ugg Boots shortage.
"I had all these little Westlake girls coming in asking me, "Where are the Uggs, Chris? WHERE ARE THEY?!" And I kept telling them we were out, but did they listen? No," he said. "So I said, "No little girl, we don't have any damn Uggs. You know why? 'Cause they can only slaughter so many sheep in Australia and turn them into your precious Uggs before they become an endangered species."
In between silly stories of Chris the Comedian's life, I did learn some very valuable things. Like how eight out of ten car accidents are caused by distractions! Alcohol, reading, eating, music, and texting. Chris the Comedian listed all of these on his dry erase board, writing the last in big bold black letters with "WTF" listed next to it. Chris the Comedian has not yet adapted to modern technology.
The best story I heard at defensive driving was the story about the dude impaled by a deer. This guy was driving down the road in the middle of nowhere when all the sudden he hit a deer. The deer went through his windshield and the antlers impaled the guy's chest. At first, the guy tries to pull the antlers out. After he realizes how STUPID that is, he does an oddly heroic thing and drives his impaled self to the ER, with the deer still laying on his dashboard. Very, very interesting.
If I didn't think it was so deviously fabricated, the story about Sputnik would totally kick Impaled Dude's butt. Sputnik is a 60 year old lobbyist that Chris the Comedian met at his last job at the Capitol. But Sputnik isn't just any old lobbyist. Oh, no. He's a world changer, seriously. With three missing fingers, the word "FREE" boldly tattooed across his bald forehead, and a breathing machine attached to his hip, Sputnik spends his days lobbying for motorcycling rights. Oh, how I love America.
Another thing I love about America is the vast abundance of vegetarians. A part of the defensive driving DEAL was the complimentary lunch (AKA, crappy pizza from down the street). Before ordering the food, Chris the Comedian asked for the vegetarians to raise their hand. About half the class raised their hand. We were in Austin, after all.
Want to know another fun fact I learned at defensive driving? This is for all you football fans out there. Forty one percent o fatal accidents occur after Superbowl Sunday. And something like twenty percent more people die in the town of the losing team. Hooray for fun facts!
In closing, I am going to list funny quotes that I heard during this course.
"Someone should name a car after Moses. The Moses 5000! LET MY PEOPLE COMMUTE!" "Drunk and need a ride? Call the Square Patrol! 1-800-R-U-DRUNK?"
"This video is in no way worse than the video they were showing when I was in high school. It was called, "Blood on the Road.""
"What would ever happen if you asked a foreign guy to go party? "Hey dude, wanna go get smashed? Wanna go get hammered? Plastered? S* faced? F*ed up? Wanna drop some bombs? Take some shots?" The dude would be like, "What? Are we going to war?" And you'd be like, "Yeah! With your LIVER!"
"I was once in a bar when a fight errupted. I immediately knew which guy was going to win because he kept going, "You wanna fight man? I got bail money in my sock man! In my sock!""