Tyler is my best friend and has been for the past few years. We iz supah tight. He works at Wal-mart and always has funny crap happening to him, so I of course have been trying to write it all down. I think this stuff happens to a lot of people, but Tyler always presents it is really what makes it funny. I could say the same things and they wouldn't be funny at all. Enjoy.
"Chris, a guy I work with, needed any random farm animal to put on his land for tax purposes. And I just happen to know a place where a person can get free donkeys. Problem solved."
"So I'm housesitting for my aunt and uncle a while back while they're in Europe and I'm bored out of my dang mind so I decide to go drive around in the hill country. While doing so, I saw a bunch of goats on a hill. So I pull into this trailer park and ask this dude who's goats they are. He's this huge guy with a black sack slung around his shoulder, like santa clause, if he were a rapist. He says, "No, but do you want to help me put them back?" I was so bored, I agreed. I don't know if you've ever tried to herd goats, but it's like herding retarded cats...but I did it anyway."
"...so I'd been sleeping till noon everyday while housesitting, and since it was summer, I just slept in my boxers on the couch. When I woke up, I heard this female voice humming somewhere inside the room, I jumped over the couch to see my cousin's girlfriend, scared as hell, looking for her stuff. Apparently she had an extra key, and did not know I was there. So, obviously, my half naked self scared the hell out of her."
Oh, the sombrero stories.
"We're taking a porch break (from practicing with his band). The sun is in a bad place for my eyes, so I'm wearing my sombrero."
One time, Tyler was in a Hooters on a school trip eating lunch (if I'm not mistaken), wearing his sombrero and playing guitar. The manager liked it so much, he asked Tyler to play for the whole resteraunt. It's something weird and random, so of course, he did.*
"I was in Witchita Falls hangin out with some friends and we were bored as hell, and high on a sugar rush. So I said, 'Wanna get kicked out of Wal-Mart?" He said he'd like to see me get kicked out, so I put on a sombraro, paint a mustache on my face, and put a pancho on and grabbed my guitar and walked around Wal-Mart for a while humming mexican songs. When the manager finally asked me what was up, I just started screaming, 'No habla engles! No habla engles!'"
Tyler now works at Wal-Mart and watches random idiots just like him walk through his store every day.
"As I was walking down the aisle at work today, I heard this kid wailing from the aisle next to me. I peeked over and the mom was trying to comfort the kid and make him stop screaming, so she picked up this giant frozen fish and waved it in front of him. 'Look! It's nemo!'"
"Forget Who Wants To Be A Millionaire, the next contestant show is 'Who Wants to be on Tyler's iPod?'"
"So we invented a new game at work today. It's called, "Make fun of the dumb manager in a way that makes him feel like he's being complimented." It's not a very good name, but we're working on it."
"What can I say? I'm a dumpster of useless knowledge."
"I've seen kittens more intimidating than you, Mary."
Tyler's catch phrase: "Yay ego boost!"
"Mary, you'd make the worst super villan ever."
To this, I always say, "Awark!"
I also say this to him sometimes: "Artichoke! Don't smoke! Imma give you a poke! I hope you lose your remote! la la la la loke! Hey! Don't choke! I wanna coke! Hey Artichoke! Don't smoke!"
Oh, by the way, I call him Artichoke. We don't know why.
There's more, but we can't remember any right now. We say goodnight.
*I can't remember that story exaclty right, so it could be very close to fictional. Oh well, it's funny anyway!