Tuesday, January 6, 2009

bla bla blah.

I feel like I've been growing so much lately. Just to look back on where I was even just before D-Now which was sometime in September I think...I'm almost a completely different person. I find myself engaging in peoples lives, not just trying to be myself around them. I just am myself, I'm not trying or thinking about how to talk to people...I'm something resembling free, but still human. Still restricting myself and still learning to not lock myself up. I know I am different in the way I believe and trust in God. For instance, I am truly not worried about finances in college. I'm working out my faith with fear and trembling, believing God will provide even when a large part of me feels stupid to even admit I deserve a scholarship to any school. But I have people in my life who love on me every day, who tell me I am successful and such an "exemplary student," and it reminds me not to be so harsh on myself. I know what I have accomplished, but sometimes it really helps to know my confidence isn't all in my head.

It's hard to see myself as worthy sometimes. Truly, truly hard. Not in the way that I think I don't deserve anything because I am oh-so-horrible, but there are so many gifted poeple. So many others who deserve so much....To believe that ACU would give me any scholarships at all, to think that I would even get in to the school...is sort of hard. sometimes. not always. And to think that I really could graduate early and that everything would work out...To think that anyone would ever hire me or anyone would let me lead worship at a church. Sometimes its hard to believe any of that could happen, and some of me feels like I'll always feel like people hate me. I realized lately that I'm really scared of people, and not afraid of them all at one time. It'll be interesting to see which side wins out when I go to college. A part of me feels a panic attack coming on at the thought, and another part feels excited and eager. That having said, I do not feel torn into two pieces. And that my friend, is a miracle. I've struggled with feeling torn for a long, long time. But I don't feel like that. Rather, I feel that the larger part of my faith has taken over me and just a small part of me remains instead of God's new Mary. God is going to rip that other part out of me, though. I can feel it.

I've always felt like my biggest ordeal with God isn't here yet. It's still out there, waiting on me. Like my big "moment" with God is coming so fast. Like I'm actually going to encounter Him, one on one. It's so exciting to think about, dontcha think?

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