Tuesday, December 30, 2008

SHAKESFEAR.

For those of you who don't know, which is every acquaintance of mine minus maybe twenty, I AM GRADUATING EARLY.

shocker, huh?

I didn't really want to tell anyone until it was final...I don't like when I think things are going to happen and I tell everyone about it and then something happens and it doesn't work out...yeah, you probably hate my babbling, too.

Anyway, I am for sure now. I know I'm for sure because I'm almost done with my senior english class. I'm really, really excited. I am not excited about telling everyone though. I feel like I' coming out of the closet or something. It's dumb, but that's how it feels.

I've always wanted to do this...but I never thought I could or that my parents would let me. But apparently neither or my parents really have a problem with it and it'll all work out quite nicely. The only thing I'm going to miss was that possibility of being Editor of the school paper next year. But I'm sure we will find an excellent Editor and y'all will have a fantastic time without me. In fact, it might be better. I'd be an extremely bossy editor.

Don't be offended if you're finding this out for the first time via blogger. I wanted to write about this whole experience, like my frustrations of reading Shakespeare on my online senior English class, so it's really not that big of a deal. If you like, we can have tea and discuss this all. I know Maggie reads these ramblings of mine, but I'm not sure how many other people read this anyway. haha

Another shocker is that I'll be staying in Abilene for College if all goes well. ACU. Weird huh? So I won't be too far away and will still come to football games and stuff when I can.

Here goes my explanation, whether you necessarily agree or not. I'm so, so sorry if I'm upsetting anyone by doing this. And sorry if I'm so full of myself I'd think it'd shake anyone's world. It shakes my world a little, maybe it'll shake yours. Or at least the way you think of me? I really don't know. I'm probably worried over nothing. I'm really not too sure on what to expect, I just know I want this, and I'll be close around for everyone who will miss me.


AS SOME OF YOU MAY KNOW, I have high ambitions and too many dreams. For a long, excruciating time, I wanted to hightail it out of Albany. First, it was St. Stephens private high school in Austin. Then it was moving in with my dad and going to some public school in Austin. Then it was maybe spending summers in Austin. Then it was moving to Abilene and going to Wylie, then it was Cooper....

Then it was staying in Albany because I ended up liking it my sophomore and junior year. But then I wanted (and still want to) to get out of Texas and go to art school up North.

None of the things listed above ever happened. There was always something that got in the way. The most recent of my failed plans was the art school ordeal. It started when I had my portfolio review in Austin. I had had my portfolio reviewed before by my dream school, MICA, before, and a not the not so dreamy Corcoran school in DC. But those times, I was alone, so I left bubbling with confidence. This time, I was accompanied by every serious high school art student in Texas, all flocked together in Austin and thrusted into one huge hotel in a tiny conference room. Everyone was dressed so artsy and wonderfully unique, I felt so freaking out of place. And then to see all of their art....wow. I felt so stupid for even being there. I wanted to cry. And did, as a matter of fact. I knew I was good at what I did in art, but compared to these people?

Now don't get me wrong. I don't degrade my work by comparing myself to others. But it was a fact. They were better than me. Much, much better, because they either had a REAL art program at their school or went to a magnet school. I was so technically behind. I needed to be better to get into my dream school, MICA (Maryland Institute College f Art), and I only had two years to reach my goal. At this point I had been considering graduating early, but then when I saw how much help I needed to probably even get into MICA, I needed that two years. In fact, I needed about ten years. Plus my parents almost laughed at me when I asked if their sixteen/seventeen year old daughter could go ahead and move off to Maryland.

So I decided to take up the time by getting some college art hours under my belt. I had been taking private lessons in Albany, but those weren't working out or really even helping. ACU was the best college in Abilene so I decided to look into that.

All was going well until the night I was going to turn in my application for spring semester.

"Mom, are you sure you are okay with me taking this course?"

She said no. I was furious. We got into an argument and when she asked me why I was so ready to take a college class I told her it was because I needed to get better for art college, and plus I was bored in Albany. I didn't and don't hate it at all, but I really really like art, a lot. And I wasn't being challenged at all in that area. It's a little frustrating when you paint five murals for your school and the art teacher doesn't even care enough to hang all of them properly.

I don't remember exactly how it came up, but we started talking about graduating early. She told me to look into it, so I did. I need to take four or so more classes to graduate, all classes that I can fit in to my schedule between now and next August. I might even have it done by this may. Who knows. We'll see.

But then I was stuck with the whole not being aloud to go off to Maryland. I refuse to major in art at a University. I'm stubborn, and refuse. haha I always told God if he wanted me to do Art it would work out that I could go to MICA, and if he wanted me to do journalism I'd stay in Texas for that. I never, ever thought that would happen though. Ever. I was dead set and didn't see journalism as a very successful career. Which is on one hand very dumb, and on the other hand kinda sensible. Anyway, I needed some kind of confirmation. Something that would happen that would not let me go off to Maryland. After a lot of crying out to the Lord and praying, God had given me sooo many visions for journalism, and none for art. So my mind had been made up that I was going to do journalism, some how. But I can be really prideful and fearful that people will hate me or judge me if I change my mind, like I'm all talk and lie. I don't know. Anyway, so I wanted God to do something radical that would give me an out. I'm pathetic, I know.

But he did, in the form of a little sister.

Around this time, a cousin of mine was looking for someone to adopt her unborn child, but she wanted to keep the baby in the family. My dad and step mom were the only ones who would be able to do such a thing in her family. They had been praying about it and they were, of course, wondering how they could support another human financially. They calculated it up, all the diapers, bottles, new furniture, ect....Sometime not too soon after that, Kamilla, My step mom, got a raise. Her raise was the exact amount they needed to support a baby.

I was ecstatic. This was my reason. Not an excuse, a reason. I genuinely wanted to be around for this new little girl. I wanted to be a big sister, I want to be there for her first birthday and I can't do that if I'm in Maryland. Also, a new little sister means that a $31,000 per year tuition (not including books, supplies, housing...) was just out of the question.

So hoo-rah, here I am. Staying in Texas. Journalism. The possibility of graduating early now open. I always wanted to go to UT in Austin, but it turns out that not only is ACU's newspaper is number one in the state, even over UT and San Angelo, but it is actually an extremely good fit for me. Also, a new baby is a lot to get used to...a distance might be best. Major in religious journalism, minor in photography possibly, still write for the Abilene reporter news, maybe intern at a museum...lots of friends at ACU, it's close to home, and is a more stable environment for a seventeen year old girl from sheltered little Albany.

So hopefully you'll see I'm not graduating early because I want to get out of here. I just see this as, if I could graduate and begin college sooner, why wouldn't I want that? That's extremely rhetorical, by the way. There are different opinions, and then there are different view points. In this case, I think its more of different points of view than difference in opinion.

I don't know why people think that someone caring about the way others view them is a bad thing. I care, a lot. To an extent at least. I want people to understand why I'm doing this, but also want them to know it's final and thought out and probably isnt going to change.

I'm really excited. I hope you are, too, even if you don't completely agree. Just remember that generalizing people is not exactly a great thing, and that even if you don't agree, that doesn't mean my life is going down the drain because I'm graduating early. Remember that I've been praying about this, have gotten my own type of confirmation, and believe that God is God no matter what. He is not limited to my circumstances. He knows my plan before I had ever taken a first breathe. If all continues to go well, this is His plan, and life will be so, so good!

lol and no, I'm not playing the "God card."

Now that I have that off my chest, I'm going to face my online English class. Hooray for Shakesfear!

3 comments:

Marvelous Maggie said...

Okay, so when I started reading this, I was like freaking out and really angry, but then I got distracted by the rest you'd written, haha. I don't know if you did that on purpose, but it works!

I'm going to miss you though! And I love you!

Thomas Wilson said...

I for one am really excited for you! I mean...why shouldn't I be, you're moving to abilene, and you're getting out of highschool the same time I am. But I really think that, from what you've written, the circumstances line up. However, on the other hand, I'm not your Albanian classmate. I'll pray that your friends can be happy and accepting for you.

And I didn't know you thought about going to cooper! When was that? You SHOULD have! haha jk God's will was different and better.

Mary K said...

haha i did distract you on purpose maggie. i know people are going to be angry. eh, im not excited about telling everyone. in fact, im freaking out about it.

lol thomas i know! i wanted to sooo bad...i thought you were one of the people i told about that. hm. anyway, i love you two :) thanks for commenting.