Friday, December 12, 2008

kjdsflkfjs.

your movement is so fierce, and yet so silent.

can i seriously do this?

am i honestly capable of having more of a work load than i do now and still succeeding?

i hardly have enough will power.



you come and rock my foundation. you steal away my boundaries. you are stealing my singleness and it sucks. or maybe its just bittersweet. I'm not exactly sure.

why should you dictate how i act and feel? how do i let this happen so easily? why am i so unnoticably thirsty for love?

how can i not trust you?

how could i trust this?

is this all real? will i regret this?

there are so many similarities...so many inignorable things that should scream "run away!" but I'm staying apparently. if i regret it...well things could get really bad. but everything that's good requires sacrifice, a moment of doubt, and a stabbing pain. but relief always follows. it always follows.

we move so much out of fear. even in the good things...there is always fear if we let it in.

what drives us so badly to seek perfection? is it knowing that faults bring shame, the very thing that can drive away love? lies should be transparent. but they're not. how is that?i blame love.

"We are all fools in love."

yeah, yeah we are.

I can see a big fat red flag, and I'll follow after my prey anyway.

where did we learn to be such good liars? who can we trust? can we even trust ourselves? our own judgement? can we trust God? yes. definitely. but we trust him not knowing our future. when things take a turn for the bad...should we start blaming ourselves? or our faith?

i am afraid of the slightest sign of a lesser love. If someone tells me they love me when they know they haven't been showing it...i don't believe them. and i start doubting them in general. why is that? will it always be that way? am i always going to be annoyed/untrusting/and afraid towards love?

All at once, I thirst after love, and repulse it. I refuse to enter into its house...but yet i sit on the doorstep staring at the key until someone else opens it. I'm too scared to do it myself, too ready for the hurt. So I wait till someone else opens the door for me. that way i can blame them if all goes badly.

what a little circle I keep running in.

I give this fear and imperfection to You. Keep it.

1 comment:

Thomas Wilson said...

ugh...mary. I know where you're at. I promise I know exactly what those words represent emotionally. It's pretty hard eh? Don't give up. Seek the lord. Hold to HIS promises, no one elses. He'll take you where you need to go, and, as painful as it is sometimes, He'll teach you the lessons you need to learn. Remember that those who seek the lord will lack not ONE good thing. Including love. Be as patient as you can, and seek the lord in everything. Just remember that earthly human love is not necessary...and out of proper timing can be a major disruption in the dreams you have...be satisfied by God's love firstly. But - live life. And if you ever need an ear, I'll lend you mine. I'm here for ya. so yeah. godspeed!