Wednesday, December 31, 2008

I have no brain.

This is the sparknotes version of Act four, scene three from Macbeth by Shakespeare. I don't really want to explain the play, just know that Macbeth is the current King, I think, and he murdered his way to the crown. Again, I think, whats happening is that Macdufff and Malcom have escaped Macbeth's palace or something. To be honest, I'm just reading the parts that answer my online English class questions.

Anyway, Macduff said, "Even in hell you couldn't find a devil worse than Macbeth." However, Malcom disagrees. He first says that his lust would make him a terrible king, much worse than the murdering Macbeth.

Along with being full of lust, I'm also incredibly greedy. If I became king, I would steal the nobles' lands, taking jewels from one guy and houses from another. The more I had, the greedier I would grow, until I'd invent false quarrels with my good and loyal subjects, destroying them so I could get my hands on their wealth.

The greed you're talking about is worse than lust because you won't outgrow it. Greed has been the downfall of many kings. But don't be afraid. Scotland has enough treasures to satisfy you out of your own royal coffers. These bad qualities are bearable when balanced against your good sides.

But I don't have any good sides. I don't have a trace of the qualities a king needs, such as justice, truth, moderation, stability, generosity, perseverance, mercy, humility, devotion, patience, courage, and bravery. Instead, I overflow with every variation of all the different vices. No, if I had power I would take world peace and throw it down to hell.

Even though these charachters are the work of Shakespeare, I admire Malcom's transparency. I'm not sure I know anyone that is really that admitting of their faults. I know everyday my whole goal is to cover up my faults. Which is ironic.

"Three times I pleaded with Him to take my imperfection away, but the Lord said to me, "My Grace is sufficent for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all 's the more gladly about my weakness, so that Christ's power may rest in me." -2 Corinthians 12:9

That makes me feel like I'm running backwards on a treadmill. In fact, it makes me feel like one of those wind up toys you get in a McDonalds happy meal. You know the kind that you wind up, but then they kind of just go in a circle or spin their wheels and still don't move until you pick it up between your thumb and index finger and turn in in the right direction? That's exactly what this feels like.

I keep striving for perfection so so hard. What was it going to take to find out that that's not the goal for my life? My lovely, fatastic, all wonderful and missed old voice teacher's husband, Jay, asked me to read that verse and see what I could make of it. Thank you so much, Jay. I needed this.

God has made me imperfect no so I can strive for perfection, but so that I can flaunt my imperfections are expose glory to what is actually perfect, Jesus. I am constantly beating myself up about how hard it is to really love and appreciate my mom. To see her how she truly is and everything that she's given to me. I sincerely suck at vulnerability. I always find a way to not let someone see my absolute core faults. I will blame my past, blame my parents, circumstances, friends, generational curses....what's so bad about being who I'm created to be? What's so bad about being imperfect?

Imperfect is normal. That's what normal is.

My imperfections is what can connect me to people and show others the way to Christ. Imperfections scare me, creep me out, and make me want to scream. I wonder what it'll be like to give that to God? God, I want to be able to accept, understand, and love the person that you've made. Whether it be me, my mom, or anyone, I want to be able to love. Because I love to love. I like to give and support people. I don't want other's imperfections to scare me away. I don't want to be someone who doesn't love another because they are afraid of the commitment love brings. I want to be a vessel for the Kingdom. and that is exactly what I am. That's who I am made to be. The imperfect and holy vessel for God and his glory.

Thank you Jay.

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