Thursday, December 18, 2008


When my computer sounds like its revving it's engine like its impersonating a car. When my car shakes after I turn it off and makes weird noises. When I shake after eating too much sugar, or when I get my chest cramps and makes me immobile for a few minutes.

All red flags. Red flags are the signal of a problem, and initial battles.

These things probably mean that my computer has some sort of virus (oops), and I should probably stop illegally downloading music via Limewire. My car is really old and I need to quit speeding, or in this case go this speed limit, which is sometimes more than my '85 El Camino can handle. Too much sugar is bad for me, and I need to go to the doctor to see whats wrong with my heart.

I need I need I need. Fix fix fix. Me me me. A checklist. Things to do in order to be better.

And so the red flag is waved, and persue success. Somewhere along the lines I was persuaded that perfection and success was acceptance. I also was persuaded that I am deeply flawed, thus the checklist was born, because flawed figures are not succesful and need to do things to become successful. But I'm fawed. Who then could I ask for help?

The battle begins.

I start realizing I need to take responsibility. I need to obey the rules. I need to be healthy. I need to or else something is wrong with me, and that is bad. People look at me differently, and think I need to be changed. Worked on. Controlled. And I can not let this happen, because relinquishing control is just out of the question. But I don't want anyone to see my falws, so for now, until I'm better, I'm gonna hide in my room and try to fix myself.

I'll come out of seclusion when I get rid of Limewire. When I stop speeding. When I eat an apple instead of a donut. When I go to the doctor and find out whats wrong. When I'm fixed.

I have made a compromise with my faults. I will stop endulging in things that display my faults, if they will leave me alone and make me look better to the public eye.

But the thing is I know I'm too cheap to buy all my music and will eventually get Limewire again. I know that I'll lose myself in my thoughts while driving and possibly go over the spead limit, and the car is old anyway, it will kick the bucket someday. I really like donuts, and I like apples too, but sometimes the donut is easier to find than the apple, and much more tasty in many ways. The doctor will either say I'm fine, its "normal" for my heart to race, and that I'll be fine. But I'm not fine. My heart still beats funny and I am still flawed.

Nothing really changes when I do it myself. And when I ask other people the consistancy in their actions are usually very poor, no matter how good their intentions are. This makes me untrusting of others and even more secluded in myself and I will eventually get even more screwed up and needy than ever. I'll know what is expected of me and have all these checklists taped to the refridgerator door in my head and soon I'll just be too overwhelmed to move. I become apathetic because I do not believe in myself anymore. And the apathy and the in-activenes in my life will just make me feel worse about myself. If I rely on myself and others, I will fail.

I will try to be happy in my failure. I will plaster a smile on my face and say everything is ok. But that will fade. Because along with my craving for success, I also crave righteousness. I crave to be the one who is right and in control of things. So I will seek out truth in failure, and only find failure. Since that is all I see, it is all I will think about, all I can put my faith into. It is the only thing thats been truly apparent in my life, the only dependable thing.

I will become angy, too. Because I see justice in it. I'll be mad at the highest authority I can find, God. I will blame Him for letting something so miserable happen. The wall I've been building around my crumpled heart is higher and stronger, now gaurded my proof of all of God's wrong doings in my life.

I'll say things like, "How dare you try and come in? Look at all the misfortune you've caused me!"

My blame will fire off like canons into the abyss, and although no attack is returned, I take the silence as a threat. I'll think that God's taking this time to plan out how to get me.

So on top of my self-pity, anger, apathy, and mistrust towards people, I now am plagued with paranoia of God, someone who never leaves. All these things should be red flags. But even these things I do not trust, for now, I barely even trust myself.

isn't is just a little ridiculous? The whole message of Christianity is to give up yourself so that God can take care of you and in return you serve Him and honor His son because you become so passionately consumed with love. Just...give yourself up. Let somebody else have the reins and relax...put up a white flag.

I know it's not exactly that easy. The concept is, but because we're human, flawed, prideful, and fearful, this seems to extremely hard and really is for the most part.

I'm glad that I've let God in far enough to where giving up control is easy for me now. I'm glad that He's led me to people who I can trust as we rely on eachother. I'm glad that things like my computer and my car arent that big of a deal and I can declare healing over my heart at any time I want and know that Jesus heals. I'm so glad that now I have a faith where there are no walls. I'm glad I've become something of a nomad, carrying with me only things that are essential as I follow where ever my crazy God leads me. I'm glad I'm not afraid anymore, but I'm also glad I've been afraid before. Because without a red flag, theres no need for a white one.

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