Saturday, November 29, 2008

Like wind.

I want to be swallowed whole by you. I want to be inevitably surrounded and consumed by you. I want to become like you and apart of you. I want to be essential to your movement, a key element. I want to be lifted as high as possible just so I can shine so bright I shut out darkness. What a pleasure and privilege you are my Heavenly Father. So wonderful You are that you would only desire happiness for me. I am astounded that you can actually perfect the broken, and conceal innocence.

I wonder if I'll ever understand your nature even a little. I feel like wind, so inconsistent and lacking the means to be solidified long enough to gain understanding. But God I want to be all of Yours and only Yours. You are good enough that even if only perril follows my commitment it would be worth it. But to know that happiness only resides in you, how you move in me without touching me, without hurting me, makes it all so worth it. Everything id for You. For once, I hold not one spec back from you. You can take it all.


Isn't it horrifying to think that to indulge in the most fulfilling human love that we must put our whole heart on the line? To know that we, in all of our instability and imperfection, can absolutely hold the other persons heart and be trusted with it?

Isn't it scary to know the ability of a person to lie? To know that our hearts can so easily ignore signs from God that say to run, and instead rely on words and touches that could all be fake? To know the anonymity of our own hearts and our ability to brainwash ourselves into being "in love" with someone?

of being unsure?
of being untrustworthy?
of being trustworthy, and still only being hurt in the end?

What do we fight for anyway?
What is right and what is wrong?
Where did logic get so blurred?
how can my feelings, as authentic as they may seem, turn out to be able to be duplicated toward someone else?

How do you know?

Isn't it scary that without God, I'd never have answers to any of these questions?

Friday, November 28, 2008

I would like to have a whole day dedicated to movies. Disney movies (old and new), and classic old romance, and wonderful things of that nature.

I LOVE THE INCREDIBLES! And Kungfu Panda. Best animated movies ever. Along with Ice Age. Love 'em.

I like curling irons, the really big kind. And Mangias pizza, or something like that. I don't know what it's called, just some really good pizza place in Austin my dad took me to tonight. I also am quite infatuated with the local thrift store Buffalo Exchange, even if most things in there don't fit me. I just really like Austin a lot. Someday I will live here. Another day I will live in Colorado, then Maryland, and then somewhere foreign doing mission work.

Someday I'll have my own magazine. We will only report on testimonies and miracles. Our photo-stories will be National Geographic worthy, yet reporting on testimonies. There will be no "How to" guide on "How to improve your prayer life." There are plenty of magazines that do that. But how many actually are jam-packed ONLY with stories of miracles and the spiritual warfare that happens daily? How many Christian magazines report on immorality and the sick and their healing? All we want to do is better ourselves. But when do we report on other people on controversial issues? Hearing whats going on in GOD'S people is what will better ourselves, strengthen ourselves. We all know the churchy-religious aspects of politics, people, prayer life, but what about all of those things in action? What do we know about what happens in the lives of people we minister to? What happens on those mission trips we send our kids to? The youth group? What do ministers truly believe, and how do their daily lives live out? I want to read about that. I want to read about that. I want to see photo stories on people in mission trips. I want to see photo stories on the kid with an alcoholic father and how it affects him. Let's report on physcology, the role of parents in . Or on the fifteen year old who is raising money for kids in Africa to have clean water. I want to push every churchy boundary ever created in journalism, and I want to be successful. I want people to believe in miracles, but how can they believe in something they've never seen or heard of? How can they believe it if its only something they've heard of in church, and not seen played out in life?

I will also see Robert Plant and Allison Krauss in concert before I die. Nickel Creek as well. It'll happen :)


I am learning what it's like to be loved. What it's like to completely lose myself in someone elses beauty. In love's presence, I forget why I would be worthy of love, or not worthy of it. Worth is not relevant, because I forget who I am. I feel surrendered, at peace. Like there's no reason to doubt and fear and no reason to ignore what's in front of me. I get this feeling of stability, like no matter what happens I'll be able to get through it if the love stays. I must give everything I am for it, and I must pursue it.

could anything be better than this?